Bye-Bye Betas

Today's result: 1,236. I've crossed the finish line on betas, and the bruise on my hand from the first one has finally, finally healed. Thank you, God. And goodbye to all that.

Next up: a 3-D form of terror. First ultrasound scheduled for Friday morning. I'm bracing myself, though I'm also trying to exhale a bit since the next two days will be free from any kind of check on whether I'm still pregnant, and becoming more so. I need to seize the opportunity to stop being in a constant state of alarm, if only for 48 hours.

So far, pregnancy doesn't feel like pregnancy at all -- or at least not what I anticipated it would feel like when I thought about it the thousands of times that I did. The symptoms I've had so far have been subtle and not at all pointing undeniably to a bun in the oven. So the only proof I have are these numbers which mercifully have done exactly what they're supposed to do. Here's hoping the ultrasounds follow suit, and that I can start to feel something more tangible about this pregnancy, something to hold on to, something that makes it feel more real. Something that gives me permission to believe in it and -- imagine this -- enjoy it. (Just please let this something not be violent morning sickness as I loathe, and actually deeply fear, throwing up.)

Test. Worry. Repeat.

Some early pregnancies go like this: blood test, yay! we're pregnant, let's start planning the nursery. Mine, so far, has gone like this: blood test, euphoria, anxiety. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Still, I am encouraged by yesterday's result: 622, again nearly doubling from two days before. Apparently I need to keep going in until I reach a beta of over 1,000, at which point we can do an early ultrasound. So hopefully, hopefully with tomorrow's beta I can officially be done with this every-other-day blood draw exercise. Fingers crossed.