Nothing Rhymes with Previa

Yesterday I had my 20-week prenatal appointment. I will say this much: I was a lot less nervous going in this time. I felt like a normal person, which is a pretty unusual feeling for me. My list of questions were less "if I accidentally eat bacon will it permanently damage my baby" than "tell me what's normal for fetal movement (which I'm now feeling)" and "talk to me about placenta previa." I had hope that she might not leave the exam room shaking her head and wondering how I managed to get pregnant in the first place.

But then she talked to me about placenta previa, and then I felt anxious again. I told her I wanted information but I didn't, if she knew what I meant. I think she really only gave me the highlights, but even those were less than uplifting. Contrary to what the nurse suggested, in cases of complete previa like mine, the odds of it moving up out of the cervix by term are pretty low. So barring my being in the lucky minority (ha!) I'm pretty much looking at a c-section at 37 weeks. Until then, I am to call her office and demand to be seen at any spot of bleeding, and if a lot of bleeding happens while I am alone, I am to call an ambulance. There is a lot I can say about this, but instead I am just going to pretend it doesn't exist.

I am trying to find ways to think of all of it in some sort of light way. I even tried to think of a little poem or song I could sing about it, but you try coming up with a word that rhymes with previa. The only thing I could think of was stevia, which is this new sweetener out there that I drank accidentally in my 8th or 9th week and then called the nurse in a panic, thinking that it would give my baby at least two heads. So that wasn't very helpful. Suggestions welcome.

Meanwhile, I have started a list of why a scheduled c-section is actually a good thing:

-No surprises. The date of your baby's arrival is on the calendar and lots of precise planning can take place. Good for control freaks like me.
-You're guaranteed to get your own doctor. Someone you've formed at least a casual relationship with is going to be all up and in your business, versus the awkward moment of meeting someone for the first time when a human being is sliding out your lady parts.
-No pooping on the table. Enough said.
-Most likely you will never experience a full-on contraction. And, really, who needs that?
-Longer recovery means more doting by nurses, your husband and loved ones who offer to help you out.
-Did I say no pooping on the table? Let me say it again.
-The baby does not come out of your vagina. So said vagina stays tidy. No more pressure to do Kegels. No worrying about implications for sex. No peeing your pants.

I'm sure there are about a thousand more reasons why a c-section is actually a good thing. And I'm sure I'll think of all of them as I spend my time not Googling about placenta previa or c-sections.