It feels like a new day, so the time seemed right for a new blog. I'm not pregnant (as if!)...at least not that I know of. But my friend and previous blog partner Lisa is pregnant with twins, and I just "graduated" from a mind/body infertility group where I learned how to be some semblance of my normal self again. So I'm looking for a fresh start as I continue my hunt for a few good eggs.
I did not think it was possible to do this, by the way -- get a fresh start without a positive pregnancy test. To my mind, it was so all-or-nothing before: infertility=stuck permanently in a rut of total depression; get pregnant=find instant happiness. I'm learning the truth is somewhere in the middle. Yes, infertility sucks. It's brutal. It taps a deep sadness that gets right to your bones. But this depression feeds on itself and it's possible to cut the cycle and avoid falling so deeply into it each time. It's possible to catch yourself as you tell yourself lies -- "I'll never be a mother." "I am being punished." "I wasn't meant to get pregnant." -- and create a new internal monologue: "I am going to be a mother, one way or another, and I'm doing everything I can to achieve it."
Sound impossible? Unattainably enlightened? At times, it certainly is. At times you need to curl up on your bed and scream and cry and curse everyone you know who had a baby without scientific intervention. But that doesn't have to be all the time. There are pockets of joy to be had. And I'm searching for them even as I continue my egg hunt.
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Searching for a Few Good Eggs
You want a baby. You're not any of the following: drug addict, teenager, criminal, deadbeat. It should be easy, right? Instead, you find yourself in an all-consuming hunt for a few good eggs (or sperm). Take some comfort here with familiar-sounding rants, sympathy and some bitter humor.
The Search
2/2/10 – Egg hatched. I am a mom.
11/09 – Put on bed rest at 28 weeks for suspected placental abruption.
8/09 – It's a boy!
5/09 – IVF #2: BFP!
3/09 – Operative hysteroscopy – third surgical procedure for one failed pregnancy.
2/09 – Office hysteroscopy reveals uterine scarring (Asherman's) from D&E. Yes, I am that one person in 100.
12/08 – US #2 (7w3d) - no hb. Try miso*prostol to avoid D&E. Decide this is ill-advised during D&E for incomplete m/c.
11/08 – IVF #1 – 18 eggs, 9 fert., 2 transferred. BFP! Betas doubling, US #1 (5w) - gestational sac, yolk sac.
9/08 – IUI #3 (2-3 gorgeous follicles). BFN. Time to move on.
8/08 - Begin new protocol: long (~3 wks.), low-dose stim.
7/08 - First consult with new (brilliant) RE.
6/08 - Cyst gone; start stims. Cycle nearly scrapped; trigger one sad-looking follicle - IUI #2. BFN.
4/08 - IUI #1 (lower dose, still "risky" 5 follicles). AF arrives. Benched for next month - residual follicular cyst.
2/08 - Injectable cycle #1 - cancelled (hyperstimulation - ~25 follicles = litter).
1/08 - Clomid 100 mg - cancelled (poor response/thin lining). I have to inject myself now??
12/07-1/08 - Clomid 100 mg. Ovulate, possibly 1st ever. Try au natural. AF arrives, laughing.
11/07 - Clomid 50 mg. Big fat nothing.
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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
1 comment:
I love this post and your new blog too. Lately I have been trying (not all that successfully) to enjoy the here and now and not only focus on some imaginary blissful future when I will be pregnant. Maybe we can help each other out on this one!
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