Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Comfortably Numb (for now)

When you're 100% sure you're not pregnant and you're offered your pregnancy test -- the end of the dreaded two week wait -- a day early, you jump on it. So that's what I did this morning. And I made it easy for the nurse. "I know I'm not pregnant," I told her. "So don't worry about disappointing me when you call." Sure enough, later this morning she called and told me I was right. She still sounded sad for me, and I felt like I needed to do the cheering up. "It's okay," I said. "I really knew." I really did.

I don't know if I got it all out on Sunday after the home test. Don't know if I've just grown accustomed to the disappointment and sadness. Or if I've grown a thicker skin. But for now all I feel is numb. And so, if the numbness is just the calm before the storm, if my breakdown is imminent, before it comes I thought I'd make a list of ten reasons I can feel good today:

1. No more progesterone suppositories. I'm sure the PIO shots are no Fourth of July picnic either, but may I just say that it's more than a little awkward to stand up at work and try to keep carrying on a civilized conversation with colleagues as you sense the tidal wave of progesterone crashing between your legs.
2. On the other hand, the progesterone worked. No period, which means that if there had been something to implant, it had a full two weeks to dig in this time (versus a too-short nine days last time). Hurrah for synthetic hormones!
3. I can now consume (and plan to, in large quantities, in the coming weeks) any of the following: Double lattes, champagne cocktails, Diet Coke, a delicious array of soft, dangerously unpasteurized cheeses, spicy tuna rolls, mojitos, deli sandwiches, Sweet & Low, shellfish (Legal's chowder - yum), steak tartare, to my heart's content.
4. I have two consults with fabulous new doctors scheduled for the week my husband comes home from business trip. Clean slate. New ideas.
5. I am taking a month off to recharge, which will put me back in that fightin' mood when the time comes to get started again (with one of two said new doctors).
6. No shots, "wands," poking or prodding during this month off. No one will utter the word "follicle." (Please.)
7. Next time, I might have a shot at twins (this time I only had one egg...not to push my luck, but yes, I do want twins. Strangely enough, despite all the knee-slapping fun I'm having with this process, I really think I'll pass on another round if and when I finally get pregnant.)
8. I can spend quality time thinking of creative, passive-aggressive responses to the 200 "When are you having kids?" questions I'll get at my husband's family reunion.
9. I'm one step closer to a baby. Since this can't go on forever, somehow that will prove to be true.
10. I'm functioning. I'm getting up in the morning, going to work. Maybe not running at 100%, but doing my thing. And that's something I wouldn't have thought possible in the face of another disappointment a few months back.

Fair warning: the numbness may thaw any minute. I can't predict how ugly it will be.

7 comments:

familyoftwo98 said...

Welcome to blog land!

As a fellow PCOSER, I completely dig what you are saying! We too are on a break after yet another miscarriage, and then a failed cycle after that. Bummer...but onward and upward...because like you I realize...it can't go on forever!!!

rescogitatae said...

Welcome to the world of blogging!

I've got PCOS too and am currently waiting with bated breath to see if my follicles will respond appropriately to Clomid.

Good luck with your appointments- I hope one of the two REs works out and when your husband gets back you're onto another cycle.

Ally said...

I'm here via L&FC. I'm sorry you have to be in IF Blogland, but welcome nevertheless. You couldn't ask for a better group of people with whom to associate.

I, too, am a PCOS-er, and have had my ups and downs with this roller coaster of trying to conceive.

Good luck with your appointments and enjoy, enjoy, enjoy your month off!

Rebecca said...

Also here via L&F...and I also have PCOS. I'm sorry for your negative, and completely understand the numbness. After almost 4 years of this roller coaster, I swing the pendulum from numb to complete blubbering idiot. Will definitely be back to read more of your journey.

kirke said...

Hi! I'm here via L&FC. Totally dig your list. You've inspired me to try and think positively. I'm going to enjoy a latte tomorrow while munching on a tuna sandwich.

eggdance said...

This is a great list-- I am already looking ahead a couple of weeks, imagining myself drinking coke and beer (it's one of the many ways I try to "protect" myself from disappointment). One of the reasons that I never go in for a damn pregnancy blood test is that I always end up feeling as though I have to console the person on the other end of the phone. I hate that. Good luck with the family reunion-- I think if anyone asks when you are having kids, you should ask them when they are planning to lost 20 pounds/change their outdated fashion/admit their marriage is a sham (you get the picture). That should both shut them up and ensure that folks will be talking about you for years to come!

CG said...

Welcome. I am also a fellow PCOSer. I am sorry for your negative result but I am happy that you are thinking positively.