Monday, February 23, 2009

Hysterical over Hysteroscopy

I wasn't worried about going in for the hysteroscopy this morning (although my nightmare about rats last night doesn't exactly reveal an uncluttered subconscious), but now I know that I should have been. Clearly my uterus chose not to heed my letter (I should have known), because it did not go well at all.

The procedure itself was fine -- at this point I am used to all manner of instruments, dyes and other accoutrements having their way with my reproductive tract. Although I will say that when she couldn't get into my uterus initially and tried dilating my cervix and going in again, I had to concentrate very hard on not screaming bad words. What made the whole thing really suck, though, was what the pictures of my cervix and uterus showed: scarring from the D&E. The kind that requires more surgery to remove. For someone who really doesn't like surgery very much I'm seeing a lot of that operating room, dontcha think?

As if that didn't satisfy my shit news quota of the day, I also learned that the pathology report from the D&E was back, and showed that our embryo had the genetic defect tetraploidy (i.e. it had four sets of chromosomes instead of two). On the spectrum of genetic defects that cause miscarriage this apparently is nothing standoutish, but it is sad and disturbing to hear all the same (the only upshot of this news is that I can finally stop irrationally blaming anxiety, the pedicure I had, what I ate and getting angry at my mother as possible causes of my miscarriage). Although the defect is relatively standard, they're running genetic typing tests on both me and my husband just to be sure it was a fluke. Which I guess should make me feel better -- we'll rule out more things -- but instead just makes me feel like there's yet another thing to worry about.

Also, I learned -- accidentally, by reading my doctor's computer screen -- that it was a girl. My doctor confirmed what I saw and said she was sorry I saw it as she knows that information can be upsetting. It was jarring and sort of emotional for a moment, but I don't know if knowing is any sadder than not knowing. I had this embryo. It was unhealthy. It would have been a girl if it had been healthy. But, again, it wasn't healthy. What more can I do or say about it?

I opted to work from home today (good choice), and I drove back home after the appointment feeling overwhelmed. So I did what any girl in my situation would do: I stopped at a pizza joint -- the really good place in town, not the pseudohealthy place that makes wheat crust -- got two slices of cheese and promptly inhaled them, with a diet Coke and without abandon or remorse, when I got home. This reckless behavior will likely continue tonight with the consumption of good-sized quantities of alcohol and chocolate. I'm just telling you -- I don't expect or want you to stop me.

PS: I just got a baby stuff catalog in the mail: the last straw for today, thank you. Called and told some poor call center lady that I am infertile and cannot be getting their catalog delivered to my home. Found this oddly satisfying.

13 comments:

rescogitatae said...

Oh Egg, what an absolutely shit day. When do you have to have the surgery?

I'm glad, in one sense, that the results from your embryo showed something- that you have a reason for why it happened. But I know that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Huge hugs.
T.

Amanda said...

Oh, Good Egg, what a craptastic day! I'm sorry you're procedure was so painful.

I know it must be hard to have seen that D&E report, but like you, I think I would be a little relieved that you didn't do anything to cause it. But it is a sad reminder about how so much of this is out of our control. Hopefully it was a random occurrence and won't happen again. (Hugs)

birdsandsquirrels said...

Oh Egg, I'm so sorry. Not a good day at all. I'm sorry that it was painful, I'm sorry you need more surgery, and I'm sorry about the pathology report. I think the pizza, diet coke, alcohol and chocolate are well deserved. Ugh, and the baby stuff catalog, wow. I'm glad you called them. Anyhow, I'm thinking of you and I'll probably go eat some chocolate in your honor. Hugs.

anofferingoflove said...

what an awful day. indulging in pizza and caffeine and alcohol and chocolate seems quite appropriate. sending you big hugs and hopes that this is the end of your crappy-events streak.

JamieD said...

I am so sorry about your day - craptastic is a good word for it.

I think it is good news the chromosomal abnormality is a common one. Did they have any information about the chances it would occur in a future pregnancy? Or will they wait until further testing of you and hubby?

Be gentle with yourself - and bring on the pizza and Diet Coke and whatever else strikes your fancy. You're in my thoughts.

kirke said...

I'm impressed you were able to stop at two pieces of pizza. What a seriously, crap day.

I'm sorry about the additional surgery and the pathology report, but glad that you can put any guilt or worries that it could have been prevented aside.

Do whatever it takes to make yourself feel better tonight. You get a free pass.

bunny said...

Hope you are well on your way to finishing a bottle of champagne (or your favorite drink of choice). I am sorry today was so difficult and on so many levels...sigh... hope things look up soon...

I've often fantasized about being more blunt about the baby stuff-- maybe i'll take your lead and start with the baby catalogs.

histmedphd said...

I'm so sorry to hear this, Egg. Having lost two pregnancies, one to a physical abnormality and one to an incredibly rare genetic abnormality, I know that knowing the medical explanation doesn't cure all that much pain. And I found that knowing the sex of the baby made things more difficult. I hope you have good news moving forward. You're in my thoughts.

babymakinchronicles said...

I'm sorry to hear about your crappy day. And i really have to do what you did and call those fit pregnancy people to stop sending me magazines. Just more salt rubbed into the wound.

Nicole said...

Oh, egg...I'm sorry you had such a rough time. I have been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing.

I hope you can begin to find peace about the results from the path report, I can't imagine that it will be easy.

S said...

Jeez, what a craptastic day you've had. More surgery - that's annoying right there. I'm not sure if I'm sorry you found out the baby was a girl or not... just depends on what you think of it. In my experience (5 first tri m/c) I was never allowed to find out the sex which pissed me off right and super - but kinda made sense because I'm already half-gone from the IVF and grief.

I hope you feel better soon after the post m/c bingeing...I know I always do. my weapons of choice are icecream, and LOTS of coffee, thinks I usually abstain from in the (useless) hope that it may help.

I hope the next cycle and surgery is kinder to you!

roadrise said...

Oh, no. I'm so sorry that it sounds like another surgery is in your future. Have our bodies poked, prodded, cut up, and everything else that goes along with this is so incredibly exhausting at times.

I must tell you, you've inspired me with your call to the evil catalogue people. I just got one in the mail called One Step Ahead. Thanks for the dose of irony, baby catalogue people. What did I ever do to you?

Hang in there!

-Callie

mylifechronicles said...

Oh no... I am soo sorry to hear abt another surgery. I didn't realize that they can remove scarring with another surgery.
And I don't know what to say abt the pathology report. I don't know how I would react if I knew the gender of the baby! One side of me wants to know, but another side of me prefers to be uninformed. I guess I am like you when it come to that... it was alive once, it was unhealthy, so its gone.

In any case, how soon can they schedule that surgery? Did they give you a date yet?