Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Movin' Right Along

Well, subcutaneous injections haven't stopped sucking in the six months since my last cycle. And Repronex stings going in and leaves behind skin irritation, just as they told me it would. But it's happening, this second cycle. I'm back in the game.

There's something different this time – I'm different. It's as if the situation had to spin so far out of control – bad ultrasound, worse miscarriage, reparative surgery – for me to finally release my death grip on control. I get it now: There's nothing, beyond following my doctor's instructions, that I can do. And since there is nothing I can do, I'd rather do almost anything else than think about infertility.

Do I even need to say that I care? I do. I don't think there's any way that I could will myself to stop caring. But I guess where I've arrived, at this moment, for this cycle, is that when given the choice between obsessing nonstop about how many follicles I might have and diving into an entertaining book, I have started to choose the book. Because someone else is thinking about whether I should take medication A or B, or when I should trigger. And she went to medical school. And trained at a top medical center. Thereby freeing me up to read said book.

I don't know if I'm fooling myself, if maybe this is the peaceful prelude to a full-scale nervous breakdown that's been percolating quietly in my psyche. Or if, upon hearing any more bad news about my reproductive prospects, my new mentality will just shatter to bits. Maybe some of you are out there smiling knowing smiles, having been in this place before and having slid painfully back. But I do know that for now, I feel better – steadier. And while that may not be more likely to get me pregnant, it is a welcome shift.

11 comments:

kirke said...

I hope you are able to hold on to that peace, Egg!

I love when you said, "....And she went to medical school." I always think I know more thn the doctor. "Are you sure? Because that's not what Google told me."

I really hope this cycle is filled with many distrations for you....and good books :)

birdsandsquirrels said...

I think it's great that you are in a peaceful space. It's very mature and enlightened! I hope you enjoy an entertaining book or two this cycle.

I wish I had that kind of confidence in my RE's office. Like Kirke, sometimes I think I know more than they do, especially since I have caught some mistakes on their part. I would love to live in an area with more choices of REs, but sadly, I'm at the best one within a few hundred miles of me.

Feeling better and being steadier is a great place to be. Welcome back to the game, and good luck this cycle!

roadrise said...

I'm definitely going to follow your example in my upcoming cycle - and I'm always game for losing myself in a good book. If you come across any really good "lose yourself" books, please let me know!

Good luck with everything!

-Callie

anofferingoflove said...

letting go of control has been such a hard lesson for me throughout this process. sounds like you are in a great place mentally/emotionally for a successful cycle!

Mrs. Barrenness said...

I was encouraged by your post. If you're a control freak (like me) it's so hard to release control and let someone else tell you what to do with your body. The last cycle took so much out of me because I was so consumed with the meds and the dr. appointments. I think I'll keep coming back to your post throughout the upcoming days and weeks to be reminded that I have no control over the situation.

I, too, would appreciate any suggestions you have on good distraction books. Good luck with everything!

the Babychaser: said...

I'm trying to squash my "knowing smile," because I HAVE been there, and I have slid backwards. But never as far back as I was at first. It's true--you do learn better how to protect your psyche as time goes on. My prediction is that you'll be able to hang onto this zen-like attitude for a few weeks, hopefully into part of your 2ww. Then you'll have trouble not obsessing again. But the thing is, obsessing for one or two weeks is so much better than obsessing for one or two months! And you'll bounce back better from bad news (though hopefully you won't have to) as well.

It's good to realize how strong you are. Not as good as not having to go through this in the first place, of course, but good nonetheless.

Good luck on this cycle. Welcome back to the war.

Dianne said...

I know how you feel,
I am about to start my IVF # 2, the excitement of last time isn't as strong. It is a weird feeling of going through the motions, while still trying to be postive.

I look forward to reading about a BFP!!

Lizzie said...

Can I borrow that book????? :)

Michelle said...

I am glad you are there and I hope you stay there for a long time and things work out.

rescogitatae said...

Egg! I just had the EXACT same realization when talking with Q. this morning. He said, "Sometimes you just have to trust an expert. This is one of those times." And he was right.

We are probably going to be cycle buddies. Hurrah!

I hope you get to read some awesome books!
T.

Dr.Rutledge said...

Hi,

I'm a physician and former faculty member at Harvard and Stanford Medical Schools. I discovered your blog while looking for the best health writers on the web. I reviewed your posts, and think your writing and spirit would be a great addition to the Pregnancy & Fertility Community on Wellsphere, a top 5 health website that has nearly 5 million visitors monthly. If you would like to learn more about how you can join our Health Blogger Network, republish your blog posts and be featured on the Wellsphere platform, just drop me an email at dr.rutledge@wellsphere.com.

Cheers,
Geoff