Sunday, August 10, 2008

Gold Medal in Peeing on a Stick

As I sit motionless on my couch in front of the TV watching people run, throw, swim and contort their bodies into all sorts of inhumane positions in their quests for gold or silver (Does anyone really want bronze? Isn't it a bit like picking the wrong Let's Make a Deal curtain and going home with the goat?), I'm wondering what sort of competitions would be held at the Infertility Olympics. I have a few ideas and would welcome your input before I go ahead and write the IOC.

Opening Ceremony -- I'm thinking rows and rows of women in johnnies marching with flags of ovaries, uteruses, follicles and sperm. And someone would of course sing our anthem to start the games:

O say can you see by the speculum light
All the broken girl parts that are causing my plight

Who's the tool who asked me when I'll have a baby --
Don't they know they risk wrath from my hormone-pumped body?

And the follicle wait
Do I have one or eight?

Gives proof everywhere
That life isn't fair

O say does that egg and sperm banner yet wave
For the infertile girls, so determined and brave

Toilet to stirrups sprint -- Who will set the world record for shortest time from the pre-ultrasound "bladder empty" to assuming the position in the stirrups?

The stick pee -- How many OPK and HPT sticks can you cover in one stream?

Verbal fencing -- Gold medalist will produce the snarkiest comeback for "When are you having a baby," or "You know, having kids will really change your life for the better."

Needle sticking -- Who can do it without flinching, whining or drawing blood?

Specimen Dash -- A men's event: Winners are the fastest to get sperm in a cup. Gold medalist will have high counts, good motility. Pants down! Grab your porn! Go!

Two-week Wait Distraction -- Top performers will fill up every minute of the two-week wait with busy work and meaningless activity.

I'm starting training later this week. I'm thinking I want a gold in the marathon to my baby.


Anonymous said...

This is awesome!!!! I would also like to suggest an event called 'Facing Dr. Google' where contestants will google all manner of fertility related questions/diagnoses and see which one can keep from breaking down in tears the longest. I think I totally have a shot at the peeing to table competition-- I am fast!! And the awards can be sharps shuttles!! I'm in!!

patricia dolan said...

There's an ezine or book in the making between your and the Egg Dance writing. Something so rich, lyrical, raw, personal and with wit and humor. I look forward to catching up.