Tuesday, December 09, 2008

All in

On Friday, we upped the ante. My favorite ultrasound technician (never an unsolicited comment, always the right amount of small talk) called my name in the waiting room at my clinic, and this time my husband went in with me. Because instead of looking at ovaries and follicles, we were looking for a developing baby. And before I even had time to get nervous, she found one: there, on the fuzzy black and white ultrasound screen, was the loveliest black blob I've ever seen in my life. I found out later, when the nurse called, that everything about this splotch/blob/black hole (as my husband so delicately called it) was 100% normal for this stage. Which means I should be able to relax a little, right? Wrong. So wrong.

That ultrasound raised the stakes. We're no longer talking about the success or failure of a cycle. We're talking about a real pregnancy. A real developing baby, albeit a sesame-seed sized one, that I saw with my own eyes on a fuzzy screen. And all the hope and the early plans that go along with it, that I've dared to make mentally for this developing being in my rare moments of sheer optimism.

I'm all in on this. And there's nothing left to do but wait and see what the next hand looks like next Monday, when we peer at that screen again, this time hoping, praying that we see a heartbeat.

5 comments:

Lisafer said...

Hooray! Congratulations!!!! OMG I am so happy for you. I know how hard it is to stop worrying, and to feel like this is even MORE worry (I desperately feared the devestation if I lost the pregnancy we wanted that much more badly) but if you can at all, try to just enjoy it for at least a day. I kept saying to myself, " I can get pregnant" - which, after all the months of not being able to, was something. I know it's not the end goal, but it's something.
Your chances are SO good now, and I hope part of you can enjoy it. I will celebrate for you - tears of happiness at your news - congrats!!
My plan was that the day after an MD appt, I was only allowed to be elated - it was my break from worry. I hope you can snatch a few of those moments too...

Michelle said...

YAY! That is so exciting! I know you will be in for a lot of craziness but it will all be great. Everything is normal and that is good. One step at a time...I know much easier said then done. Even though I want a baby more then anything I get nervous even thinking about pregnancy.

kirke said...

I'm so excited that you saw your blob!

Honestly I got a little teary reading your post. I'm just so relieved that you are through another milestone.

Heather said...

Congratulations, but I understand your cautious happiness.

I'll be praying for you to see a nice strong heartbeat on Monday. Good luck!

mylifechronicles said...

Wishing you all the best. I really hope and pray that you are able to see that heartbeat on Monday!