I'm in an odd place, this moment. I'm pregnant. I have proof in the form of a fuzzy black and white photo. And yet, there's something about these first tenuous weeks after a post-IVF positive beta that say "pregnant until further notice." I can't yet take any steps that might point to "definitely pregnant" – buy maternity clothes, look at nursery decor, think about names. Yet I can't do anything definitively non-pregnant either – buy normal clothes, drink wine, work out. I catch myself looking wistfully at couples pushing strollers, think "Why can't that be me?" and then realize with a start that it could be. I'm closer than ever.
I fell off the wagon a little bit from my determination not to pay attention to symptoms I may or may not have. Thanks to all who set me straight (though I can't promise I won't ever ask you to remind me again when you first felt like you were pregnant and not just suffering from the worst case of PMS ever). I just long for a sign that all is well. I crave reassurance. There ought to be a little porthole so we could see what's going on in there. If I could go in and demand an ultrasound every single day without fear that they would commit me? You bet I would.
I wouldn't trade this place I'm in. I'm so grateful to be here. I want it to keep going. I want to see hope in the form of a just barely distinguishable flicker of light.
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Searching for a Few Good Eggs
You want a baby. You're not any of the following: drug addict, teenager, criminal, deadbeat. It should be easy, right? Instead, you find yourself in an all-consuming hunt for a few good eggs (or sperm). Take some comfort here with familiar-sounding rants, sympathy and some bitter humor.
The Search
2/2/10 – Egg hatched. I am a mom.
11/09 – Put on bed rest at 28 weeks for suspected placental abruption.
8/09 – It's a boy!
5/09 – IVF #2: BFP!
3/09 – Operative hysteroscopy – third surgical procedure for one failed pregnancy.
2/09 – Office hysteroscopy reveals uterine scarring (Asherman's) from D&E. Yes, I am that one person in 100.
12/08 – US #2 (7w3d) - no hb. Try miso*prostol to avoid D&E. Decide this is ill-advised during D&E for incomplete m/c.
11/08 – IVF #1 – 18 eggs, 9 fert., 2 transferred. BFP! Betas doubling, US #1 (5w) - gestational sac, yolk sac.
9/08 – IUI #3 (2-3 gorgeous follicles). BFN. Time to move on.
8/08 - Begin new protocol: long (~3 wks.), low-dose stim.
7/08 - First consult with new (brilliant) RE.
6/08 - Cyst gone; start stims. Cycle nearly scrapped; trigger one sad-looking follicle - IUI #2. BFN.
4/08 - IUI #1 (lower dose, still "risky" 5 follicles). AF arrives. Benched for next month - residual follicular cyst.
2/08 - Injectable cycle #1 - cancelled (hyperstimulation - ~25 follicles = litter).
1/08 - Clomid 100 mg - cancelled (poor response/thin lining). I have to inject myself now??
12/07-1/08 - Clomid 100 mg. Ovulate, possibly 1st ever. Try au natural. AF arrives, laughing.
11/07 - Clomid 50 mg. Big fat nothing.
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12 comments:
Um, yeah limbo sucks. Not real enough to get excited but the stakes are high enough to really cause a worry. I think maybe it gets better after you start to feel the baby (several months from now of course).
And the word verification is "restin" almost sounds like good advice.
I totally know what you mean!! I have to keep reminding myself that this is real even though I don't have symptoms. We will get through this Limbo!! ((HUGS))
i still gaze wistfully at pregnant women or women with infants too! i think its going to take a while for that old habit to die!
and, i'd be right there with you demanding daily ultrasounds if i could :)
At 9 mos I still wish there was a little porthole sometimes.
But I will be stepping out today to do something definitely pregnant for you!
-Cathy
I know how hard it is. I hope this time goes by fast for you with each day giving you more and more reassurance. I am so Happy for you!
PS I tagged you on my blog.
While I don't wish you to be sick, I do wish you some reassuring symptoms in between the ultrasounds. Having never been pg, I can only imagine what you're feeling. I can totally see how you never stop worrying. It seems that once an IFer, always and IFer. Hope your next ultrasound comes quickly. Thinking about you while sending lots of positive thoughts and hugs.
This is exactly how I feel. I would love to have an u/s every day....or at lest once a week. It seems like it takes forever to get to the next OB appointment (which at least offer the reassurance of hearing the heartbeat).
I don't have any advice for you...I don't know what to do w/ the feeling of limbo either.
Limbo sucks. I started getting really nauseous after 6 weeks, and that should have reassured me a little, but I was still very worried. I wish we could get ultrasounds every few days! That is why I am so tempted to rent a doppler - reassurance at home, whenever I want! I am a little worried about being obsessive with it, but I hope that I would be able to use it sparingly.
Your ultrasound is tomorrow, right? I am thinking of you and hoping and praying for that beautiful flicker.
I've found that infertile feeling never really goes away, and even if you could get daily ultrasounds, you'd just want hourly ultrasounds. The best you can do is just enjoy the limbo and try to stay even...
The U/S is tomorrow, right? I'll be thinking of you. I can imagine these weeks are really hard.
And the porthole, that's a **really** good idea!
Egg- I am SO hoping that everything goes well at the ultrasound today. HUGE hugs.
T.
It is a very strange limbo to be in.
Praying you see that little flicker of light on your u/s and get a wave of reassurance from it.
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