Thursday, May 28, 2009

Black and White

At our ultrasound on Thursday, we saw one perfect sac with everything it should have at just past five weeks. It looked like a little whale, flashing its tail in the dark hollow of my uterus on the screen. What's not so clear is how I can survive the wait until our next look at that screen.

Everything about this pregnancy has been different. My numbers were high (particularly now that we know it's a singleton) – I only got a third beta (3,653) this past Tuesday because I called the nurse in an absolute panic, having convinced myself that I didn't feel any more symptoms and therefore was no longer pregnant (completely and irrationally ignoring everything she said about symptoms coming and going in a normal pregnancy). The first ultrasound was another sign pointing in the right direction. Everyone seems more relaxed and confident about this one – everyone but me.

I worry that my body doesn't know what to do from here. I worry when my boobs seem less sore, and that I don't feel nauseous yet. I worry because it's harder to imagine a good ultrasound. I worry about things I can control and I worry about things I can't (case in point: I woke up this morning drenched in sweat under too many covers – again – and was 100% convinced that I cooked the developing embryo). And then I worry about worrying too much.

I wasn't supposed to go back for another scan until June 15. I told them there is no way I can survive that kind of wait. I am an effective squeaky wheel: I have an appointment next Friday, the 5th. Until then, I'm in limbo. Praying there's a healthy heartbeat, right there in black and white, when we look next.

14 comments:

Minta said...

HOORAY!!!! So, so happy for you!!!! Definitely push for weekly or bi-weekly ultrasounds in the first trimester. It's too hard not to worry, and worrying is bad, so more ultrasounds! Your numbers sound great, though, which is the important thing now (until the heartbeat!).

Amanda said...

From here this pregnancy seems like a total 180 from the last and very promising. I'm sure the worry won't stop, but don't forget about that crazy flag! Wohoo for extra ultrasounds too!

sprogblogger said...

So very happy for you! Glad you're getting extra ultrasounds, too!

kirke said...

Oh good! Congratulations on everything being as it should be! I'm so impressed by what an advocate you are for yourself. Yay for asking for what you need and getting it.

Don't overanalyze the symptoms...you are the one that told me they are meaningless....just concentrate on your numbers and the fact that you had a perfect ultrasound...these are tangible things.

roadrise said...

So thrilled for you that the ultrasound results were picture perfect. And good for you that you were able to get another ultrasound scheduled. I completely get why those of us who have gone through so much to get this point worry so much especially in the beginning when it's still intangible. I think (and my husband) would be the same way. LG told me that if I'm blessed enough to get pregnant from this cycle, he's going to wrap me in bubble wrap!

-Callie

bunny said...

the squeaky wheel gets the grease, or the ultrasounds... good for you- i would want the same, just for peace of mind.

i am happy to hear things are going well. i'll be thinking of you on Friday!

Ashley said...

YAY!!! I'm so happy for you!! I know about worry...I didn't think I could EVER worry THIS MUCH!! I feel your pain...I wish the symptoms would come full on so I could feel better. We are going to get through this with beautiful babies;)

JamieD said...

Yay for perfect ultrasounds! Yay for understand nurses who don't make you wait over two freakin weeks for the next one!

This is a super tough time. I wish I could say it will get better soon, but to be honest, that worry is always in the back of my mind. I'm having more good days but the 'moments' are still there.

Breath - today you are pregnant. Congrats!

birdsandsquirrels said...

Yay for the high numbers and the good ultrasound! I am a worrier too, and I don't think I will stop worrying for a good while still. The nausea didn't hit me until a few days after 6 weeks. My boobs never got really sore.

I'm glad you got an earlier ultrasound. Seeing that heart beating will hopefully help you push away the worry.

histmedphd said...

I realize that our stories and paths are very different Egg, but I have never felt "pregnancy symptoms" until somewhere between 9 and 11 weeks. Try to relax, and I say eat as much ice cream and drink as much decaf as you want :)

Congratulations!

mekate said...

Wishing you great things on friday and somehow, peace between now and then.

warmly,
Kate

barrenisthenewblack said...

I have a busy week, and you go and get knocked up on me! Yay! Yay1 Yay!
Congrats, and good job getting more ultrasounds. Hopefully someday I can ask about your mad negotiating skillz

anofferingoflove said...

congrats on the perfect first scan! and good for you for demanding a sooner date for a 2nd u/s! im a HUGE worrier too, i dont know when that goes away! ;-)

rescogitatae said...

Oh Egg, it is so unfair that even when you finally do get pregnant you don't get to relax (and then you stress because you're not relaxed, and that's not good for the baby...).

That said, everything sounds like it is doing just what it should be doing. So I will wait here with you for Friday with confidence that you will see a heartbeat.

(and then, once you've seen the heartbeat, and you are still stressed and worrying because you're not out of the first trimester yet, etc. etc., I will still be waiting here with you.)

Hugs.
T.