Monday, November 24, 2008

Pins and Needles

This morning, after a sleepless night (and two weeks of nonstop anxiety and obsession), I walked, still symptomless, into the infertility clinic for my pregnancy test, my sense of impending doom growing with every step. I dreaded the day ahead, the call, the tears.

My name was called by the one medical assistant in the practice who can never, ever find my veins, which only darkened my mood. She asked me if I felt any symptoms. Not a one, I said. No sore boobs? she asked (really). Nope. This is just a guess, but maybe if she spent more energy focused on my veins and less trying to "diagnose" me, she may not have had to do what she did next: use my hand. If you've never had this experience, don't start anytime soon. Because let me tell you something about the top of your hand: It doesn't like to be stuck with needles. It hurts. Also, it's gross. It may have been the only time I've ever felt lightheaded about giving blood.

By the time I got back to my car, I was a sobbing mess. My blood -- the answer -- had been left behind and all I could do now was drive away and wait. The stinging in my hand felt like insult on injury and I decided, right there, that if there was ever a day to work from home this was it. Crying hysterically at work may not be career suicide but it sure doesn't help anything.

I settled into my spot on the couch and tried to remain calm. My husband, home waiting to go to his late-morning doctor's appointment, was in full keep-her-happy mode, making me a snack and doing pretty much anything I asked him to. He was sitting with me on the couch when the phone rang, much earlier than I'd expected. As my hands trembled and my mind braced for the bad news I thought I'd hear, I answered it -- and instead heard three words that I truly thought would never, ever be used in reference to me: Congratulations. You're pregnant.

Some (not nearly all) of the shock has worn off. I am now a whirlwind of conflicting emotion. There are many, many steps in front of us, I know. Many miles to go before we sleep. And yet, there is this victory. After a year of gut-wrenching, mind-spinning, heartbreaking effort with little to cheer us on, no incremental wins, just the head-down, blinders-on quest for a positive pregnancy test, we finally got one. I'm going to sit here for a minute and soak it in. And thank those reading this for every one of your words of encouragement, which mean more than you know.

10 comments:

Amanda said...

OMG! I am so happy for you. That was a super suspenseful post! H&H 9 months mama!

kirke said...

Congratulations, Egg!

I felt like I was going through the two-week wait with you :)

I'm so happy for you!

Michelle said...

CONGRATULATIONS!!! That is FANTASTIC news!!!

Turia said...

OMG Egg! I thought I was going to throw up reading your post, there was so much tension.

Words cannot express how happy I am for you! Congratulations!

GreenEggsNHam said...

YAY YAY YAY!!!! What FANTASTIC news! Congratulations - I am so excited for you!

Heather said...

Congratulations! I know exactly how you felt. That was how I felt before this latest first pregnancy test. I really was amazed that it was positive. I was bracing myself for the worst and I really felt fine. Now over a week later, I'm a tired mess and my boobs are killing me. Good luck on the next few mile markers. Mine is my first ultrasound on Dec 1st.

Arian said...

Oh how wonderful! I will keep you and that precious little bean in my thoughts! Go and relax and enjoy every moment! You earned it!

PJ said...

That is so fantastic!!! Just, YAYYYYY! Can you hear me shouting?

Hoping I'm right behind you in a few weeks!

Celia said...

Congratulations!

Cassandra said...

Congratulations! I was definitely on pins and needles reading the post, even though I clicked over from Lost and Found which said that you'd a positive blood test. Have you ever thought about writing mystery novels? :)