Friday, November 28, 2008

Today's Forecast: Mostly Sunny

Pregnancy is starting to feel like the weather in New England: You never quite know what will happen next, which makes trying to plan anything a challenge. And no matter how much of an "instinct" you think you have about what's coming, you quickly realize it's totally beyond your understanding or control.

This morning I went to the clinic for my third beta, my sense of dread having become an all-too-familiar sidekick as I entered the office. The nurses were even more understanding and sympathetic than usual about the difficulties of waiting, assuring me that this was all beyond my control, that they're looking for data points on what's happening and that's all we can do. They promised to walk my blood downstairs right away and call as soon as humanly possible. I left exhausted, my body and mind heavy with the consuming worry of the past two days. Once again, I was ready for the sad call. Every instinct in me said this was not going to turn out well.

Once again, I was wrong. They called, mercifully, within an hour. And once again, instead of the dreaded words I expected to hear, I heard reassuring news: my hcg has nearly doubled in two days, increasing from 183 to 337. They are "happy" with this result. It reflects an upward trend, well within the range they like to see.

They want me to come back on Sunday morning to check it again. I so wish I could be a "normal" pregnant person now, free from these betas as a reminder of how tenuous everything seems when you've tried so hard to get here and are desperate for it to work out. Free to just relax and enjoy it, without any concrete reason to think it won't turn out well. I wish I could feel 100% optimistic right now, instead of just strongly encouraged. But for the next two days I am going to try and tell myself that the forecast from here looks mostly sunny. It's all I can do.


Michelle said...

YAY for the good beta! Crossing fingers for sunday!

kirke said...

Thank goodness it is almost Sunday! Sending good thoughts and keeping everything crossed for a good beta!

Vikki a.k.a "V" said...

My goodness, I could not have said it any better. I am in the exact same boat. First it was worrying about that damn beta number now I am in U/S limbo. I just found out friday that I have a subchorionic hematoma. I won't even begin to tell you the google research that went into that. It is out of our hands. I cried my eyes out and had the emotional breakdown I deserved and now I will do as you just live each day and let it be what it will be. Hang in there and keep blogging. It is therapy for you and all the rest of us IF'ers. Thank you for sharing your feelings, it makes me feel normal.

Heather said...

I hope everything went well on Sunday. My thoughts are with you!

Lisafer said...

Your numbers are really good - mine were lower when they told me I was pregnant - and I was pregnant with TWINS! Trust me, this is so normal - I asked my MD when I could stop worrying, and he said, "hmm, when they are about 35 I think." It's very complicated to get pregnant after having dealt with infertility - you are overjoyed, scared to death, and in my case, guilty about leaving other friends who are still trying.
And to the commenter who had the subchr. hematoma, I have multiple friends who had those and went on to deliver beautiful healthy babies!
Can't wait to hear more good news on Goodegghunting :)