Friday, January 01, 2010

Counting Down

So here we are, one year later than – yet light years from – last year, when I rang out 2008 with a New Year's Eve D&E (because, really, who needs champagne when you can have Ver*sed?) to finally put an end (or so I thought) to the never-ending miscarriage. As I sat on the couch recovering that first day of 2009, mostly relieved to end the physical part of the process, I wished and prayed with all my will that this year would be different. And miraculously, it is. I am so absurdly grateful.

I've been hanging in there, these weeks of bed rest, and somehow the days have begun to fly by in rapid succession. Truly, bed rest is still not what you would imagine when you're running from one responsibility to the next and think a few weeks on the couch sound like a small slice of heaven. But of course you recognize, deeply, that there are worse positions in which you might find yourself as well. I mean yes, I have all those nesting urges and would like to be doing more to get organized and prepared for this baby. But it's also oddly liberating to accept that all that stuff will come, later. That for now I have little choice but to do a whole lot of nothing.

Had my 36-week appointment Wednesday, including nonstress and group B strep tests. While she was in there she checked my cervix (long and closed). Let me just throw my complaints in the ring when it comes to cervical checks. Because they really hurt. I'm sorry, but there's just no way to lie there and act normal when it's happening. I try not to writhe in pain or make noises or swear but it requires my full concentration. But this one was worth it because she thinks (the only way to know for sure will be through Monday's ultrasound) she felt the top of the baby's head while doing it. Which means all my attempts to contort my big-bellied self into child's pose and play music down near my pelvis (yes, I am a sucker for trying anything on this front) may have been successful. Here's hoping.

Either way, the countdown to 2010 is over and the countdown to baby is on. We're in the year and month of this baby's birth now, and it's beginning to feel real. We put him in there and now he has to come out, one way or another. I still can't begin to imagine how it will feel to look at this baby and know that he's mine.

Anyway, here I am – I've posted a photo, taken on Christmas Eve with my Christmas present, a digital SLR camera. I used to think that I would never do the photo thing, but I'm getting to the point now where I want to squeeze out everything that's left of this pregnancy. I want to remember how it feels, how it looks. It may be the one and only time I'm this pregnant, and I want to hold onto it. (Be gentle with any thoughts on my rotundness, please!)

Wherever you are in your quest for parenthood, may all of your wishes come true in this new year.


kirke said...

You look perfect! What a beautiful belly :)

I completely agree about cervical checks. It is nice to hear what is going on in there, but, sweet heaven, I wish there was a better way to do it!

PJ said...

All of these reflection posts have left me seriously, reflective.

I can only imagine that it's surreal to actually gaze upon one's baby (babies), after 9 months of gestating. Best moment in your entire life, I imagine.

That's a LOVELY baby bump you've got going on there! I'm soooo into mine. :)

Happy New Year!

Ashley said...

Honey you look FABULOUS!! When you said you were huge I was imagining much worse;) You are all baby and look BEAUTIFUL!!! I can't believe the countdown for us is on!! I'm hoping within 2 weeks...I don't know about you;)

missing_one said...

I'm getting so hopeful and optimistic for all of us this month.
I have my group B strep test and pelvic exam this week and am NOT looking forward to it!
Almost there....almost there.

anofferingoflove said...

That photo took my breath away - it's beautiful! You look absolutely peaceful and serene, waiting for your baby in these final days of pregnancy. :-)

Happy 2010!!

Anonymous said...

I lvoe belly pictures--they give me hope.

Megs said...

Your belly is fabulous! :) I absolutely love the picture!

I have to agree with the cervical checks. Now, I have only had two of them, but still...I think it is partially due to the fact that my cervix is a pain in the butt anyway...but it's nice to hear that I am not the only one who finds quite a bit of discomfort in this :)

Erika said...

You look amazing! Good luck in your final weeks, I'm thrilled to be able to tag along through your pregnancy. Hoping he turned and delivery goes smoothly!

Frenchie said...

Your bump looks gorgeous! Happy New Year.

IF Optimist, then... said...

Gorgeous belly, congratulations on making it to week 36. Good job on the best rest! Wishing you all the the best in 2010.

Anonymous said...

36 weeks! You are so close! I know what you mean about trying to squeeze every last bit out the the pregnancy. Here I am, two weeks out, and while I am so happy to have her here and safe, I miss being pregnant. It's almost a grieving process, the end of pregnancy. Enjoy these last weeks, and savor every moment and every kick. Write your thoughts and feelings down in a journal if you can.
You look absolutely amazing! What a beautiful belly!

JamieD said...

You look wonderful!

I hate it when, just prior to a cervix check, the doctor says, "Now just relax." I always think they must be talking to themselves because they couldn't possibly think I could relax with their fingers up my hoo-haa.