Numbed by Numbers

I'd been told that the angst of infertility doesn't end with a positive pregnancy test. But I guess I thought once I heard about mine I'd be able to let go of some of the worry and pessimism that had set in after so many failed treatment cycles and let myself enjoy it. I was wrong.

Yesterday's beta showed an hcg level of 183, which is about a 60% increase over my level of 112 on Monday. I could look at this two different ways.

If I had known nothing about hcg levels in early pregnancy when I finally got the call from the nurse at 2 p.m. yesterday afternoon (having mentally concocted worse and worse scenarios the longer I waited), I probably wouldn't be that worried. She said a 60% increase is "fine" and that they wanted to see me back on Friday morning "just to make sure everything is on track." Not so bad, right? A consult with Dr. Google (Yes, I admit it: I could not resist the urge. I am weak.) confirmed that in a normal pregnancy beta hcg levels double every 48-72 hours, and an increase of 60% or above over 48 hours is still considered normal.

My husband says I should focus on all of this. It did increase, and it increased within a range that could mean everything is a-ok.

And I've tried. I've tried to repeat those things in my mind, to focus on the fact that, for this moment, I am still pregnant. That I even can type those words is completely amazing to me.

But that's what scares me the most. These stakes are the highest yet. And that is why I can't shake this horrible feeling. Can't stop remembering that originally they'd said they wanted to see that number double in 48 hours. Can't imagine what will happen to me if something happens to this pregnancy. Can't understand how I am supposed to survive the next 24 hours until the next beta.